Motherhood: The ultimate relationship-with-self

    Motherhood changed me.

Danielle Rose as a brand new mother of two

That's kind of funny to say, isn't it?  I mean, doesn't it go without saying?  Where there was once one, now there are two… two bodies sharing a body, two schedules to navigate, and two egos competing for space (and despite what anyone says, babies' egos are huge!).

Then there came two… two children that is.  And no one tells you that having two kids isn't twice the work of having one—it's ten times the work.  Because with one blissful baby it's impossible to see how the intersection of bodies, schedules, and egos multiply exponentially.

Ultimately, what happened was that I lost myself in the wild tangle of everything childhood.  Motherhood became an all-encompassing title that didn't define me in the least.  It was something I was, something I was engrossed in, something that dictated for me what I did, how I felt, and when it all happened, but there was very little of "me" in it.  Or at least that's how it seemed.

I want to tell you that I loved every moment of it.  That I wouldn't give it up for anything. That now that my kids are (slightly) older (4 & 6 to be exact), it all makes sense.  But I would be lying.  That's not to say I don't love my kids.  Because I do, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But sometimes I wish there was a way to have them, and all the good memories, without having a good 3/4 of the past six years as well.

I thought you were talking about relationship-with-self, you ask.

Well, I am. For the past half decade I've found it nearly impossible to evaluate my relationship with myself—even though I invested more brain and heart power into trying to figure that out than I had in the thirty years prior. 

It's given me quite a perspective on the importance of making myself the most important person in my life.  I've written quite a bit on this.  I had always been adventurous, and always sought out activity. When I was a mother of one, I brought my oldest with me on these adventures.  She was small enough not to complain, and easy-going enough to let us lead the way.  She was the most important thing in my life, and I knew that if I wanted her to live and lead an adventurous life, I had to show her how to do that.  (Read more about this and our adventures together here).

Then I had my youngest and, for the reasons listed at the start of this post, my options for adventure became severely limited.  My girls were both the most important thing in my life, but rather than trying to teach them how to live an independent, self-sufficient, and adventurous, I plummeted into survival mode.  Everything I had went to them, and there wasn't much time for sleep, proper meals, or even regular showers. I still can't go into the bathroom without a "life-threatening" disruption ("She hit me and I'm bleeding!" "I spilled a pitcher of lemonade on your computer!" "The kitchen is on fire!"). 

I had a life-changing opportunity to travel to France and take a class with an artist whose beliefs and work had changed me many times over. This was not an opportunity to be missed… Still, I almost threw away the pamphlet for the class when I received it.  I struggled with the decision to go for many months until I had no choice but to either go or let the fantasy go.  Despite much criticism from family and others, I left my 1 year old and 3 year old with their father and stepped into the airport to the image (it's still burned in my mind) of my oldest crying from the back window of the car as they pulled away.  (Read more about how I was finally able to make that decision here).

Walking the heath in Dublin on a layover after my class in France in 2012

The trip truly did change my life.

And it made me realize….
How can I ever take care of my girls if I'm not taking care of myself?

A few years passed before I was able to implement the energetic "work" that changed me while in France.  Without that "work" I doubt that Mind Key would be what it is today, or even exist at all.  Without that work I would be a shell of a person… but today I am a richer, deeper woman because I was able to face adversity and fear, and my own self-doubt, to do something I knew I was meant to do.

Somewhere in there was a list.  I called it "The Rules."  They were written to remind me of what was important.  The girls were at the top of it … then I realized I needed to be at the top.  Why?  Because if I'm not eating well, sleeping well, If I'm not healthy, and deeply fulfilled… then how can I possibly have anything at my disposal to give them?

I am still on that path, today.  It will never end.  The choices are only getting tougher, and the consequences more intense.

Me walking the cliffs in Newport, RI, after another game-changing life decision in 2015

But if I can recall (and sometimes I actually can) the feeling I had in France—the changes it wrought in me, and how I had to overcome the fear, self-doubt, and criticism…. Then.  THEN I know I am doing ok.

I know I have to follow my gut.  I know that I have to take care of me first.  Because until I do, I'll never be able to take care of my girls.  I'll never be able to give them what they need to grow into strong women.  I'll never be the "good mom" I want to be—the one that thinks she needs to sacrifice in order to give to her children, but is finally learning to sacrifice for herself first.

Love yourself to love others - Barbara Steingas

        

    I used to think that if I took time to care for my needs, that I was being selfish.  So I would give of myself to a fault to others. I people pleased in lieu of listening to what I needed or wanted. As a result, this depleted my energy and contributed to me developing an autoimmune disease.

            Women, especially in our society, are looked at as the caretakers, causing many wives and mothers to use all their energy, focus and resources fulfilling the needs of their family and neglect to properly take care of themselves.

            This can cause underlying resentment and family dysfunction. I found this to be true for myself.  I would take that resentment and internalize it, beating myself up and causing further stress and dis-ease to myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I began to put the pieces of my health back together, I slowly learned how to unravel this self-sabotaging behavior by attending courses and reading self-improvement books.

            Along the way I discovered that I deserved to take care of myself and that it’s okay to sometimes say “no” rather than self-sacrifice just to people please. Now that I’ve learned to listen to my own needs, I find I am even better at helping people both professionally and personally. I can be more present in the moment by responding rather than reacting out of past issues or fear of future ones. However, during times of stress, I can get into reactionary mode which causes discourse for myself and others I am interacting with, but I catch myself more often and have learned not to beat myself up for it. Instead, I realize I can shift the way I am feeling and expressing myself to a more loving way. We are all human and can’t always be perfect, but the more we stay in a loving space with ourselves the more love we can bestow on others. In turn, this decreases the criticism and judgement we feel for ourselves and deflect onto others.

            When you feel mad, sad, etc. take a moment to reflect and ask yourself what’s causing you to feel this way. By doing this you can better discern what need is not being met and then you can rectify the situation by empowering yourself rather than blaming someone else for not meeting your needs. Remember that by loving yourself and taking care of what you need you will be much more at peace and happy. And if you’re happy, everyone else around you can happier too.

Get back on the wagon & create your shining year with Leonie Dawson

“I’m a hippy that gets shit done,” says Leonie Dawson, CEO of Shining Biz & Life Academy and creator of the Create Your Shining Year series of workbooks, diaries, and other resources.

This Australian native has managed to turn what was once a simple idea into a million dollar  business where she is able to keep herself and her children top priority. For the past five years, she has developed her own system to help countless others achieve their personal and professional goals. Her 2016 Create Your Shining Year Workbook is a mere fraction of what she has to offer. She also has a selection of webinars and other online courses that have helped thousands find purpose and contentment in life and work. 

Now, most of us have used planners and journals before. Some of us may have stumbled on a self-help workbook on Amazon and gave it a whirl. Furthermore, every one of us has made multiple New Year’s resolutions and broke every single one of them. Dawson’s Create Your Shining Year offers a fresh approach to goal-setting, planning, self-reflection, and self-actualizing. 

“Dedicated to:

You. 

You deserve a shining, beautiful life that sings to your soul. 

WORLD CHANGING PHILANTHROPY 

A portion of profits from this workbook will go to a range of charities that support the world to become an even better place.” 

This is a workbook meant for you and only you - a Bible of sorts, for everything you’ve imagined doing but never made tangible. However, Dawson wants her “workbookers” to give back as much as they receive from their dreamiest year. Reflection and resolution in regard to charity, family, and friendships are integral parts of The Shining Year Workbook. 

According to Dawson, celebrating and releasing the year before is a vital step to creating your ultimate new year. As with many aspects of life, the positives should be illustrated before the negatives, and this workbook persuades the workbooker to do just that. Dawson calls it the The Very Important 2015 Closing Ceremony. Here’s an example from my own shining year.

“Especially towards the end of 2015, all I can think about was how preoccupied I was. I went back to grad school for special ed. on top of working two teaching jobs. So I haven't had all the time in the world for writing, my crafting, or studying my oracle cards so that I might offer readings. 

I aim to change that in 2016. I also need to physically feel better so I am more energized to do all I want to accomplish, creatively and professionally. It's time to make my creative endeavors a priority.”

“Without energy and healthy living, I am not going to accomplish any of my dreams. I need to learn to say "no" when I need to or want to. I need to shut down when it comes to work and school stuff and tap into my creativity to avoid burnout.”

OK, so I kind of did the opposite of what Dawson intends. I went from negative to positive. But the energy that emanates from the guidance and structure of the workbook reminds you there is no right or wrong way to visualize. If one of the objectives is to work towards self-acceptance and self-actualization, would it make sense to place boundaries on yourself?  

Immediately, the art work stimulates positivity, made by a woman who has developed a fun, whimsical, thorough, and honest system for getting your life where it needs to be. Leonie Dawson has brought together a community of women who journal, collage, color, and doodle their way to a higher sense of self - a fantastic resource for finding what the Mind Key community wants you to find - passion and zest for life. 

Healthy splurging.... a tradition of self-love

Dictionary.com  defines "diet" as the general condition of the body or mind with reference to soundness and vigor.  This definition is rapidly followed by entry number 2: a particular selection of food, especially as designed or prescribed to improve a person's physical condition or to prevent or treat a disease.  And entry number 3: such a selection or a limitation on the amount a person eats for reducing weight.

We're almost halfway through December, and I'm thinking that all of the above are probably the last things on my mind at the moment.  I'm surrounded by Thanksgiving leftovers (luckily they're all gone now… but the sweets lingered for a frighteningly long time), gingerbread houses (it's amazing how much icing I unwittingly licked off my fingers), Christmas cookies (the time has come to start making dough), and holiday parties serving more food than I could possibly try (but I promise you I will!).

The good news is those high carb, “fattening,” and treat foods, when eaten in moderation, can be as important to a healthy diet as eating the “good stuff.”

Even cookies homemade from scratch can provide emotional nutrition in the right circumstances.

As much as we’d like to think there’s some magic equation, what’s healthy for one person is not necessarily healthy for the next. Some people swear by eggs for breakfast, and others avoid cholesterol completely. Homemade cookies from scratch can provide emotional nutrition in the right circumstances. Although the jury is still out on the health benefits of coffee, there are many healthy people cannot start their day without a cup.

Health counselor, Robert Garner said, “The things that feed our soul are the things that propel us out of bed in the morning.”

I feel it’s important to remember that the food we eat is intended to fortify, sustain, and enrich our bodies.  Chances are a chocolate chip cookie won’t do that.  When it comes from Grandma’s cookie jar, however, it may just sustain our soul.


For example, if you choose to eat a rather large slice of your mother’s Christmas apple pie, you are engaging in a holiday tradition of honoring your mother’s recipe and hard work while bonding with family. This example of emotional eating is a far cry from eating a bag of chips or cookies without thinking about it.

Garner shared a story about a woman who had good sugar levels and ate healthy throughout the day, but indulged in a slice of cake each night.  Garner learned that the nightly slice of cake was a tradition she and her mother had shared together since she was a little girl.  Garner suggested that she continue the nightly ritual—her body was obviously processing this emotional splurge quite well—probably because she ate the cake slowly with intention and meaningful attachment… and because she ate well the rest of the time.

Eating well isn’t as much about restriction as it is about mindfulness.  When we choose to eat a cookie because it is part of our Christmas tradition, our bodies will process that cookie differently than if scarfed at our desk without really thinking about it. 

Because each body works differently, in order to maintain balance between eating healthy and eating for emotion or tradition, we must remain mindful of what we’re putting in our bodies and why.  Surrounding these traditions with fear, or mindlessness, on the other hand, is likely to make them more detrimental to our physical and spiritual health than the indulgences alone.  Neglecting your spirit at a party or holiday gathering because you've sworn off sugar can bring in more weight (both figuratively and literally) than if you allowed yourself to enjoy the moment by nibbling on your favorite treat.

How will you celebrate this holiday? With an overly strict diet, or with enough self-love and confidence to make good choices in every moment?

In a Nutshell: On Mothers

“The true value of a woman shines when she is one with herself and others.”

The Real Emancipated Woman  by Tamara Rokicki

Who hasn’t felt frustrated with their mother?  Haven’t we all at some moment or another?

In Make sure the kids wear coats: A Mother’s Day Blog, Charla Dury writes her feelings about a “helpful” suggestion her mother made one freezing Colorado morning. "Was it possible that my mom actually thought that, after my 17 years as a mother, I wouldn’t know to put a coat on my kids when it was cold?"

Despite certain difficulties, Charla recognized the power of Mom.  "My mom was the glue that held our family together and I feel like, without her, we’re all adrift in our own oceans, wrapped up in our individual lives,” Charla said.

In her post I learned a lot from my mother, Charla tells us how she is a lot like her mother.  "I see a lot of my mom in me though, even though some days I don’t want to admit it.  The teenager in me tells me its bad to be like your mom, but I still am."

In a way we are all mothers, aren’t we?  Isn’t there someone in our lives (besides our children) that we’ve nurtured, consoled, taught as a mother might.  Hasn’t there been at least one person in our lives (besides our mother) who has done this for us?

"No matter what kind of mothers we are, in the rigamarole of female life it is easy to forget three elements needed for strong female psyches- self-care, self-love, and spirituality,” Tara Ann Lesko writes in The Goddess Connection: Mothers and Maeve.

This week we talk about women (and caregivers) of all walks.  Our bloggers honor and comfort them and let them know that we appreciate them for who they are and all they’ve done, not just on Mother’s Day, but every day.

In her post, Saving our children from Mothers’ Day, Danielle Rose counters a Mother’s Day rant by Anne Lamott.  "Feeling less of a person because of society is a cross we all bear… Whether a mom (or non mom) on Mother's Day, a high school drop out on Graduation Day, an old maid or bachelor on Valentine's Day, or a kid being outed because of an ill placed birthmark, a high IQ, or standard social awkwardness. To insinuate that [Mother’s Day] causes pain in certain (or all) individuals is a blatant and sad disregard for our own personal power."

Mothers deserve the honoring they receive on the second Sunday of May - it’s an honoring they rarely allow themselves time for with all the demands of life.

In The Real Emancipated Woman , Tamara Rokicki discusses the shifts all mothers, especially stay-at-home-moms have felt over the past fifty or more years.  "To diminish any role of a woman, whether it’s a traditional one or not, is still to confront her with the struggle we’ve faced all along: depreciation.  And that depreciation alone undermines the original rights fought for each woman; that she is valuable and equal to man, despite her choices in life."

All women fight for equality, but find ourselves losing something in return.  Regardless of how our lives look, we give to our loved ones until there’s little left to give, and then feel guilty for not giving enough.

In The Goddess Connection: Mothers and Maeve, Tara Ann Lesko offers inspiration for self-care. “No matter the age of a woman, there are inevitable feelings of inadequacy, or she simply doesn't feel desirable…. The goddess Maeve reminds us to sometimes put our own needs, wants, and desires first. After all, before we can be mothers to anyone or anything, don't we need to be fully aware of our individual spirits?"

What do you think about your mother-figures and Mother’s Day? We’d love to know what you’re doing to celebrate (or not!)

“Mothers (and fathers) are special.  Simply because they ARE.”

Saving our children from Mothers’ Day,   by Danielle Rose

Want more for Mother's Day?

Saving our children from Mothers’ Day (Danielle Rose)

The Real Emancipated Woman (by Tamara Rokicki)

Make sure the kids wear coats: A Mother’s Day Blog (by Charla Dury) 

I learned a lot from my mother (by Charla Dury) 

The Goddess Connection: Mothers and Maeve (by Tara Ann Lesko)

In a Nutshell: On Mothers (by Danielle Rose)

The Goddess Connection - Mothers and Maeve

We are all mothers in some way or another, whether we have children or we don't. Like it or not, as women we are caretakers and nurturers. We live in a world where few of us are impervious to the mommy realm. In the office, you may be the one everyone turns to for a mint or an Advil. You may be that one friend everyone turns to for advice, a listening ear, or a phenomenal recipe for a spinach and artichoke dip. Gardening, painting, writing, working - creations can give us a sense of motherhood if we are lucky enough to engage in what we love doing.

​No matter what kind of mothers we are, in the rigamarole of female life it is easy to forget three elements needed for strong female psyches- self-care, self-love, and spirituality. We rarely think to get to know the goddesses within us, and there are many to meet. The goddess Maeve reminds us to sometimes put our own needs, wants, and desires first. After all, before we can be mothers to anyone or anything, don't we need to be fully aware of our individual spirits?

The Goddess Maeve

Maeve - This Celtic goddess was all about celebrating her femininity, perhaps to an extreme, but it's best to look beyond all of the dominating sexuality. Maeve loved sex, but she loved power more. Legend has it she inflicted men with labor pains if they tried to invade her land, and when she had her period, she demanded that battles cease until her cycle was over. She knew how to get her way.

Remember Maeve when you may be shamed for your sexuality, whether it be rampant or stagnant. No matter the age of a woman, there are inevitable feelings of inadequacy, or she simply doesn't feel desirable. We turn to Mauve when we need mental and physical control over our cyclic pains, so think of her when you feel guilty about your PMS Terminator moods. She stopped armies when she was on the rag! That time of the month may suck at times, but we must maintain control and get what we need and want. So lock yourself in a room with a bottle of sweet wine (Maeve was also known for her intoxicating powers), some dim lights, maybe some Sylvia Plath, and remember that it's okay to stop the world.

Simple ways to keep Maeve with you on the regular:

• That glittery purple or blue eyes hadow someone told you was meant for teenagers - buy it!

• Dress in a soft, loose purple material that's airy and sexy,

• Find a spot on the ground to pour wine and watch it seep into the earth as a gift to Maeve. But not too much because that's just considered alcohol abuse. Say a little prayer of thanks to Maeve for guiding you through the turbulent rhythms and waves of being a woman on this planet.  

• Ask yourself when needed, "Who is responsible for my problems?" Imagine a voice answering, "You are."

That is Maeve. Tell her, "You're right."

Want more for Mother's Day?
Saving our children from Mothers’ Day (Danielle Rose) The Real Emancipated Woman (by Tamara Rokicki)
Make sure the kids wear coats: A Mother’s Day Blog (by Charla Dury)
The Goddess Connection: Mothers and Maeve (by Tara Ann Lesko) 
In a Nutshell: On Mothers (by Danielle Rose) POSTS 5/8/15