Relationship wrap up

Over the last month, the blog here at Mind Key has focused on relationships.  Relationships with yourself, your family, your significant other and relationships with your higher self.  Each type is drastically different.  How you relate to yourself is not the same as how you relate to your family, your partner or your spiritual connection, but each type is connected by the basics; honesty, love, kindness and work.  Relationships don’t just spring into being (except for the relationship with self…  That one’s kind of a given... but that doesn’t mean it’s easy, in fact, it can be one of the most difficult when it comes to honesty.) 

Danielle and the girls

Relationship with self week brought us several insightful blogs.  In Motherhood - The Ultimate relationship with self, Mind Key trail blazer DanielleRose talked about her eye opening experience as a mother of two girls as it related to her relationship with herself.  Danielle describes how hard it was, and is, to maintain a relationship with herself and continue her internal journey of self-discovery while caring for those for whom she’d give up that life.  I talked about the importance of what comes after the words "I am" in Positive Self Talk.

Jon and I in Las Vegas

During romantic relationship week, I talked about how my husband of 20 years and I still enjoy time together, making plans to do new things and working hard to keep it fresh.  Keep the Spark Alive tells that while not every “date night” is perfect, neither is every relationship.  Guest blogger Sarah Loukos talked about how important it is to stay true to yourself and your path, no matter what you might perceive to be in your way.  In I love you but we can't be together today she talks about the effects that extramarital affairs have on the personal psyche and some of the advice she gives to her clients during readings.

For family week, Mind Key columnist Lisa Avila, MD wrote about Managing Difficult Family Members and gave us four steps to follow to make interactions easier, or at least to ease some of the stress.  Blogger Tamara Rokicki writes about her experience in Thriving in a Blended Family.”Its all about balance,” she says.

Higher self week was a bit more fluid as there are so many different belief systems.  One week wasn’t anywhere near long enough to cover them all, but we delved into several.  In Angels are there - An interview with Jacqui Geary we explored the Mind Key interview of Jacqui Geary of Trinity Metaphysical Center and Gift Shop in Hamburg, NJ.  She talked about her relationship with Angels and how she feels protected by them.  She advises her clients to call the angels into their lives and to find the comfort that they offer.  In Spirit Animals/Power Animals, MK Columnist Vera Remes told us of her Spirit Animal relationship with her camel and how she feels that even once you find your Spirit Animal, your work is not done.

There’s no real conclusion here.  Relationships are awesome, difficult, lovely, strange, comforting and worth it.



Which blog this month resonated most with you? And how does your connection to the world around you help define who you are?

Angels are There - an interview with Jacqui Geary

“Angels are there.  I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t know that,” says Jacqui Geary, healer and owner of Trinity Metaphysical Center & Gift Shop in Hamburg, NJ. 

Archangel Michael

 

“Even when I was a little girl, living in a home where angels weren’t part of our belief system, I was always drawn to them.  They’ve always been part of my life.”

Jacqui teaches a class on angels at her shop, calling it Angels 101.  During class she talks about her beliefs and explains the differences between guardian angels and Archangels.  “Guardian angels are always there, assigned to you for assistance on your path on Earth.  Archangels are there for all mankind.  You have to choose your Archangel,” Jacqui says.

The Archangel Michael is the angel Jacqui has chosen for her own.  She tends to work with him the most, asking him to “wrap his wings around me and protect me.”  She feels she can call on Michael at any time, even send him out to protect her children in times of need.

At Trinity Metaphysical, Jacqui gives readings advising her clients to invite the angels into their lives.  Many of her clients describe feelings of chills or goose bumps when the angels enter the room to comfort, guide and support.  Some describe intense emotional overwhelm, even feeling as though they might cry.

Jacqui has had many personal experiences with angels and knows that whenever she’s in a tough situation or a state of upset, she can call on Michael.  The minute Michael would enter the room, she would get a feeling of peace and calm, physically relaxing with his presence.

Even Jacqui admits that the depth of physical reaction that occurs when angels enter your space seems a bit weird, but there’s no denying them.  She knows that not everyone holds the same belief system, but her feeling is that “Until you experiment with the angels, you can’t possibly understand that there might really be something to this.”

“Angels give such great advice for the personal self.  Working with the angel cards and the angels themselves allows me to give my clients the information they need.  It may not always be what you want to hear, but that’s not how angels work.  They focus on us.”

Spirit Animals/Power Animals

Are you seeking an answer to a question? Facing a daunting situation? Remember, you have a Spirit Animal  waiting in the wings to help you through whatever situation you face.

When clients come to me for a Shamanic oracle card reading seeking solutions to their problems and questions, first I guide them to choose a Spirit Animal to help them in their quest. Their Spirit Animal  will possess the traits they will need in the situations they inquire about. I utilize Power Animal Cards to assist clients in their choice, but meditating, observing nature and being aware of your dream time are all ways to find your Spirit Animal.

During my Shamanic Drum Circles, participants find their Spirit Animal through guided meditations accessing the Lower World while listening to drums and sitting by the bonfire. Results can be amazing. One person shared that when she found her Spirit Animal, the eyes were moving funny, in different directions. At that point she thought her Spirit Animal was Marty Feldman until she realized upon closer inspection it was Owl, symbol of intuition and wisdom. The advice to her was to follow her intuition and wisdom about starting her own business, which she has done.

I have many Spirit Animals, some stay with me for the long haul and others pop in here and there to help me in specific situations. During one meditation I met an unlikely Spirit Animal, one I really never had an affinity for or admired. First, I thought I saw Alpaca but upon closer inspection it appeared to be Camel. Camel holds a message of travel - typically of an arduous kind--like a pilgrimage. Embracing the protective qualities of Camel, I refuse to dwell on the pitfalls of the long journey ahead. From a spiritual stand-point, Camel is superior equipped for the long-haul, exhibiting strength, endurance and protection. Aren’t I lucky to have found this Spirit Animal ready to help me.

Once you find your Spirit Animal, your work is not done.  If you wish to continue to enjoy assistance remember you must honor your Spirit Animal.  This helps you grow and gain a deeper connection to them and elicit their guidance.  Many people like showing respect to their totems by placing objects of the same species around their houses or wearing symbols of their Spirit Animals on their bodies (amulets, pendants etc.)

I wear a silver camel around my neck given to me my a dear friend, Dana Bree, a fellow Mind Key member and traveler on my Shamanic journey. I have Camel pictures and descriptions that I read periodically.  I remain constantly open to the appearances of Spirit Animals in my life. I say “Spirit Animals” because Camel is not my only Spirit Animal. I guess you can say I have a whole menagerie of spirits helpers. I see them flying overhead while driving. They pop up in books I’m reading. I dream about them. Some I have felt an affinity for since I was a child. Others I have encountered just after moving to PA. They are part of the army of angels, spiritual guides and helpers I call on when things get tough for me or I need guidance.

So how do you find your Spirit Animal? Love that You Tube. Here’s only one of many meditations available, but the one I like most:

 

Prefer to go higher tech. There’s a website called Enchanted Forest that not only gives you a unique way to find your helper but also lets you read about them, hear their song and download a picture and PDF about their traits:

http://www.poweranimalsunleashed.com/creek.htm

Some of you may think you should avoid connecting to your Spirit Animals because you resonate with Guardian Angels. Be aware that Spirit Animals and Guardian Angels work well together, at least for me. Some clients avoid a Shamanic Oracle Card reading because they are afraid of messages from the "earthly" Lower World.  Nothing could be farther from the truth. Source created all things, including Spirit Animals, to help us on a daily basis. The Lower World is not the underworld, just a place where animal helper spirits abound and await our visit.

Spirituality and "higher-self"

This month, we've explored relationships of all varieties—family relationships, romantic relationships, and the ever-changing, relationship-with-self. 

For our last week, we're going to explore the not to be ignored important relationship-with-higher-self.

The definition of higher-self varies from individual to individual.  Some define it as god, the universe, spirit… some recognize it as power from without, and others as power from within. Our higher self is comprised of our angels, our guides, our inner wisdom, those who have passed on and are still with us, sentient beings we connect with, innate knowledge, intuition, and yes, our god(s)/goddess(es).  There are so many more.  I could go on and on.

The one thing that binds all of the above concepts is that our higher selves are connected to the greater fabric of the universe-at-large without the physical trappings of the human body.  Our higher self is anything that brings us closer to spirituality and God as/if you define him/her.  Our higher self is purely us—our own—and it is the pure, wise and enlightened part of our being that we can choose to access during many moments on a daily basis.

The relationship with our higher self is essential to our very being and how we define ourselves…. And the beauty of this relationship is that no one, and I mean NO ONE, can define it for us. How we discover our spirituality and our relationship with our higher self is dependent on our individual path and purpose. 



Here, Mind Key writer, Tara Lesko, shares with us her spiritual journey:

The statue of the goddess Tara that
sits in Tara's living room

"I have to admit to a period of prejudice when it came to anything having to do with the metaphysical. My husband, who I loved and revered more than any human being on Earth, met a beautiful young woman online who was involved with mediumship, crystals, psychic power, auras, and all that fun stuff. She captivated my husband to the point where he simply wanted a new life, and he felt he would find that new life with someone like her.

I maintained for quite some time that anything having to do with the metaphysical was hippy bullshit meant for those who wanted to fulfill their own selfish needs without any consideration for anyone else’s well-being.

I was wrong.

Today, I have crystals, tarot, incense, faerie, and books. I’ve branched out and embraced so many realms of spirituality, and it has given me a wealth of connectedness and creative energy."



Tara's memoir continues beyond The Golden Skillet with her next project, The Green Tara Chronicles.  About them she writes: "This autobiographical piece will explore my journey through spirituality as an adult, the good and the bad, with the many faces of the Goddess and literal Tara at its core. The goal of this project is to encourage the reader to find enlightenment and fullness, to find her guide (or guides) into the divine feminine."

How do you define spirituality?  And how does it define your relationship with your higher self?

This week we will explore the human relationship with different entities and aspects that form our higher selves. Stay tuned to read more.

Managing Difficult Family Members - Family Relationships

Over the course of time that I have been in private practice, which will be 16 years this April, I have been asked many questions related to managing the triggers of internal stress that are immovable in life. Among these questions, the one that is asked most often is how to navigate difficult family relationships. There are always 2 choices: first, to write the offending family member(s) off completely, with no further contact, thus eliminating the stressor entirely (and perhaps substituting another in its place, but that might be another blog post...). The second is to find a way to re frame the interactions between yourself and this family member, so that you have a new, significantly less painful point of reference with which to understand your interactions with him or her.  
In my experience, most people choose the second option.

So how do you deal with a difficult person that isn't going to leave your life any time soon?

Of the many strategies out there to deal with the immovable, the one I have experienced that works the most effectively is the hardest one to achieve, which is the practice of non judgment.

Non judgment is the art of letting someone else have whatever reaction that they may have, in any interaction, without letting it mean anything about you. It is, admittedly, a difficult art form to master, but once you are able to, the benefits are endlessly worth it. 

 It begins with a shift in your ability to have compassion for a person on a deeper level than you may be used to. It is realizing, with your whole heart, that others have many battles they are contending with, many that you might never know. It is getting around your anger at the person, removing yourself from the connection and looking at it with the least amount of emotion that you can, as neutrally as possible. I realize that this isn't easy; on the contrary, it may feel like the most difficult thing you have ever done, especially with someone with whom you have so much history with. (It does, however, get easier and easier with time and practice.) This works best when you begin this practice outside of an argument, of course...but sit quietly, when you are relaxed and calm, and think about the other person as neutrally as possible. With as little emotion as you can manage, think about what the person may be experiencing in his or her life. Even if it is something that you, yourself would not have an issue with (i.e. your sister is obsessed with her weight and your own weight is the last thing you would ever spend time thinking about..), think about the issues that could be causing the other pain and distress. For as long as it takes, work on letting your heart eventually give them compassion for their struggle. This can take some practice, but as I said, it will eventually become easier and easier. 

The next step is to realize that the struggles that a person goes through may not allow them to act towards you with a full set of interpersonal tools, so to speak. This is so important because when you get to this step, you can see that, although it may feel very personal, it really isn't. For example, a person who is competitive subconsciously gravitates towards someone to compete with; someone who is insecure looks for someone to be better than. In both of these examples, this person is drawn to the perfect counterpart to enter into a drama vortex that isn't so much about the other person as it is about sustaining a cycle of drama and unfinished emotional business. When you realize this, it follows that the most effective course of action is to figure out how to effectively disengage from feeling victimized by the bad behavior, and move into the understanding that although it may feel like it is you that is targeted, this person would target anyone that filled the unconscious need they have to perpetuate their dysfunctional belief system. 
 

So you have all this down, what next? What constitutes practical application of these new, healthier realizations and understandings?

The last and final step is to find out what your window of time is with this person before they start behaving in a way that used to make you feel badly. This may be days or it may even be hours. Everyone is different. This last step is critical in allowing you to navigate meetings and events with this person that have more ease for you than you may have ever thought possible. Find out your particular amount of time and be very clear with yourself: this is the approximate amount of time you have to (eventually) enjoy your time with this person, before it is in your best interests to gracefully make your leave. Stick to this window as best you can. If an altercation begins before your expected window of time to leave, circulate, wait about half an hour, if you can, and then, with a smile, begin to make your goodbyes. A good friend came up with this idea, as a way to avoid engaging an altercation at the time, while still respecting yourself enough to put your emotional well being before anyone else's need for conflict. The less you engage the negativity in the moment, the happier you will be in the longer term.       

 

When you realize that you don't have to choose between keeping a family member in your life and sacrificing your own sense of peace and joy to another's need for conflict, you will realize what true empowerment is all about. And this non judgment thing might be something you decide to apply to other areas of your life. Yourself, perhaps? The results of that would be even more impressive..

Lots of love to you.. 

Thriving in a Blended Family

There are different kinds of family units.  Single parent, the Traditional family, and now the Blended family, a recurring situation where couples merge and raise a family where biological and un-biological children come together.  Writer and Mind Key member Tamara Rokicki, shares her blended family journey through her personal blog.  

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Blended Family: ‘a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships’.

I often get asked how I manage to survive—and thrive—in a blended environment. Many people expect this arrangement to be frustrating, something that either works or completely falls apart. I’ve met parents who automatically assumed there is a ‘resentment’ component among our children—biological, adopted, or step. The latest question has been, “Is it hard to be in a blended family opposed to being a ‘normal’ family?” I thought about it for a long moment. I never really thought that my family unit, despite the mechanics of biology, wouldn’t be considered normal. To answer this question, I had to pose a few more:

Do ‘normal’ families ever encounter frustrations?

Does sibling dynamic differ from family to family—even child to child?

Does a family, regardless of the members who make it up, always find the right balance?

As a stepparent and biological mother, I can easily answer all of those questions in the same exact manner.  The truth is my family life is not primarily guided by the logistics of who is biologically related to who. It is guided by very specific rules and attitudes that shape our blended family into a ‘normal’ family.

With so many re-marriages and new relationships, the merging of biological and stepchildren is becoming a dominant trend. Still, it is a sensitive development that can either make or break a relationship.

I decided to write this blog and share my own blended family journey to provide answers to friends who seek advice on their newly blended family, as well as those curious to understand the dynamics of a blended environment.

It’s all about balance.

Balance is the key in achieving a successful and peaceful blended environment. It helps put things in perspective and not lose sight of the ultimate goal (to have a happy and confident family rooted in love, understanding, and compromise.) Balance in a blended family is knowing how to run a functional household without losing sight of the important things. One perfect example is picking your battles. [READ MORE]

Love isn't about need - It never was

Lisa M. Avila, D.C.is a new contributor at Mind Key.  As a Certified Applied Kinesiologist working and living in New York, Lisa brings her unique viewpoint to bear on the Mind Key Community.

 

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I read a Facebook post recently that gave me tremendous pause...initially, I chose not to respond and possibly ignite a social media war, but the post has stuck in my head and I found that I was unable to resist an invitation from Danielle Rose to write a short commentary on it. 

The post was a remark on why people who have been alone for a period of time are the hardest to love, because they no longer need companionship....This remark hit me wrong for a host of reasons, the first of which is that it is presumptive. It assumes that anyone who has had a period of time of solitude fundamentally suffers in his or her outlook on love and relationship. The truth of the matter is that we, as a society, need to stop looking on solitude with negative judgment and instead realize that there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. Society tells us in ways both subtle and overt, that if we are not paired in relationship, that we are therefore lonely. It is up to us, however, if we decide to agree with that message.

The second issue that I took with this statement was part of "no longer needing" companionship as being a bad thing. What we need, if anything, is to thoroughly understand the difference between needing companionship and wanting companionship. Do we still live in a time where we haven't discerned the difference between choices made when we need when we want? Do we not yet know that when we need, we make choices out of desperation and fear? Haven't we learned yet that when we want, we reach towards our goals from a more balanced place, capable of making decisions that serve us infinitely better than when we are desperate?

The idea of being desperate for a relationship is one that is perpetuated throughout all forms of media, including social. But what if we started looking at the subject of romantic relationships differently, and instead decided that nothing trumps the quality of partnership that is truly a good match for us, rather than simply securing a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? That compatibility in romantic partnership was much more important than filling the vacancy beside you? 

And finally, if we did get to that place, wouldn't we be able to teach ourselves and our children to relax around relationships, not nervously rush to "close the deal" as soon as possible with someone who only looks good on paper...?    

Real, true love is not about need; it never was...

In defense of the unmarried woman

        So I am supposed to be writing about relationships this time. I am sitting here on my couch with my ever-faithful dog and out of no where my grad school thesis advisor popped into my head along with other loved and admired poets. Women who had one huge commonality. 

Rachel Wetzsteon was a revered poet, author, and teacher who had a profound influence on my strengths and weaknesses as a poet and writer. I may have been her last advisee since she committed suicide seven months after I graduated in 2009. I think about how I’ll never have the opportunity to sit with her in a coffee shop on a cold February in New York, laugh with her over the ridiculousness of Valentine’s decorations, and discourse over good imagery and slant rhymes. 

What bothers me the most about Wetzsteon not being here anymore to paint the thick NY/NJ air with her gorgeous words is that the catalyst for her early departure was a fucking relationship. 

By the time I worked with her on my thesis in 2009, she was in her 40’s, and I was approaching 30. She was unmarried and often wrote about the “solitary yet defiant lives of single women,” according to Margalit Fox’s article from the New York Times. I guess I was what you could call a professional newlywed with about four years of blissful marriage under my ever-expanding belt. Needless to say, we had different perspectives on relationships at the time. 

Her poems typically oozed with longing, for someone who was there but really wasn’t. She wrote about solitude in a city that never stops twirling its lights and sounds. Regardless, in person she never seemed to stop smiling. When she read poems and taught them in her classes, she savored them like warm chocolate cake on a shitty day. On the surface, she simply seemed at peace with her life as an educator, an advisor, an award-winning writer, and an unmarried, independent woman. 

Fox’s article included a statement from Wetzsteon’s mother stating that Rachel had been “severely depressed, partly over the break-up of a three year romance.” When I read the article at the time it was published, I wanted to throw something. How could certain men willfully and thoughtlessly become an accelerant to the destruction of good women, brilliant women who go against the grain? I remember feeling grateful to have contentment and unwavering love in a stable marriage. 

In 2012, I was divorced and living with my parents in a 900 square foot condo. 

Rachel, Plath, Sexton, and so many others were duped by a significant other into believing in the sanctity and beauty of marital commitment. I am lucky to call myself a survivor because it really is a life-suck - feeling like an expendable failure. The symptoms go away, but like mono, that strand never disappears.

Did these poets have battles with depression that had nothing to do with the men in their lives? Absolutely. Was the end of my own marriage the knife that punctured the already shaken soda bottle? Definitely. Yes, there are usually two sides to every story…usually. 

But why haven’t single women reached a point where they can stop defending themselves for remaining unmarried? Marriage is no longer a critical state of being, supposedly. Yet single women from their late 20’s to their 30’s and up are still made to believe that fulfillment in life is gained through the traditional family structure of husband, wife, kids, pets, soapbox colonial, SUV, etc. Consider this claim from Ally Boguhn, a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism.  

“Tied to the throw-back to outdated gender norms is the way that incessant nagging about marriage makes way for the erasure of the accomplishments and goals of women. Once again, this harkens back to a time where societal norms dictated that the goals of women need not extend beyond finding a husband and having children. By assuming that marriage is the end-all-be-all goal of all women, we revert back to this same way of thinking. Often, we not only expect marriage to be the ultimate goal of most women, but as a society we also shame those who don’t subscribe to this way of thinking. Women who put their career ahead of finding a partner or having a family are said to be selfish or self-indulgent. But there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first, and we shouldn’t be shaming unmarried people who take pride in themselves and their own goals and accomplishments."

Despite undying importance placed on marriage, many women are learning the truth about what it represents no matter how progressive we like to think we’ve become. Women are slowly realizing how we become extensions of someone else - a simple Mrs. next to her man’s first and last name - and as a result, self-care and self-actualization weakens. Considering the extraordinary gifts the aforementioned poets had to offer, they never felt whole, because our world told them they needed a significant other in order to be complete. This needs to end. 

No, I would never tell any woman not to get married. But I would tell any woman to find her place in the world alone first. Make sure the home you decorate, the couch you sit on, and the dog you cuddle is yours and yours alone. Most importantly, find your poetry in any shape and form. 

Lent and Mindfulness in relationships

“In a time where no one seems to have enough time, our devices allow us to be many places at once — but at the cost of being unable to fully inhabit the place where we actually want to be.  Mindfulness says we can do better.” 

— Time Magazine cover article on mindfulness, February 3, 2014.

Oh Catholic Lent! Self-denial for 40 days. First begins with Ash Wednesday and ends with Easter Sunday. This year that is February 10th until March 24th. Then we can commence back to the sinning!!! ( Just a little humor)

I am not Catholic. I have though, participated in Lent for a few years now. It's mindfulness. Give up harm, replace with good. Mediate for the 40 days and send peace to the world. Give up Facebook on your phone, or all social media and spend time with your children or outdoors enjoying what really matters. Think about what you can give up, to improve your world and the planet we live on.

Write, create, garden, visit loved ones. Take your time. Be thankful. Be grateful. Pray for the world. We are one world and one people.

Blessings to you all and a productive Lent to all who participate.

(You don't have to be Catholic to participate in Lent. It's 40 days of mindfulness and giving up what you REALLY don't need in your life).



Danielle's note:

Because this is month is about relationships, I want to share something I learned about phone and other device usage: When we are interrupted while the middle of something (reading, writing, listening, etc.) the natural human response is irritability.

Let that sink in for a moment.

That means when you are on your phone, texting, responding to an email, or even reading an article in your newsfeed, and your children or significant other interrupt, your natural human reaction is to get irritable.

Once my husband and I went out for Valentine's Day dinner.  We were at a moderately expensive restaurant, and I was stunned that we were the only couple in the room without their phones on the table.  Truly.  And I thought, how can two people be so connected to the digital world that they can't enjoy one special dinner together without the internet.

Whether for lent, as a Valentine's Day gift to your loved one, or just because… Take some time to "turn off" during these last few weeks of winter.  Settle in to the long evenings with "device-free" or "internet-free" times.  Vow to keep the phones out of sight and turned off during dinner.  Plan a family game night and toss the phones in a basket.

Be mindful of your relationship.

I love you. But we can't be together.... today

Sarah Loukos

Sarah Loukos is a tarot reader and a valued Mind Key member and contributor.

Today I will not think

That we could not spend it together

I will instead think

Of all the days we did have together

And hope that you can feel me

Reliving every moment

S.L. Gray

Love is a funny lil bugger, ain't it? It dives you into a world of joy and anger, dizziness, bliss and oh the fantasy that lives in your mind about how it will be when you both are in each others arms. One day.

Guess what, it's not today.

You're married or he's married, one can, one can't. Life or jobs. KIDS?! All of these things are the things that get in the way of you and your soul mate's love.

As a tarot reader, I see this a lot. One situation that keeps rearing its head is people having affairs.  There are a lot of "reasons" that people tell me they're doing this.

• They are soul mates
• He or she is the love of their life
• They have to see where it goes, etc.

Men, if they are the ones who are married, rarely leave their family mainly due to finances.
Women who are married and having the affair, rarely leave because of stability and or the children.

I love you. But......

You are my soul mate, but.....

It's not that easy. We are not 20 years old. It's not just our own lives, it's your entire life unit that gets damaged.

For some people, the relationship works out. These people might leave their families, kids, whatever and go for it! Good for them. Putting your happiness before your children's might be worth it to you. Good for you both if you can make that work for everyone involved.

For most, it's that love that never happens.it's the fantasy love. Its the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  Not that you aren't soul mates.  Or maybe you aren't.  It's just, your life isn't only your own.

So you think fondly of those times. Hoping maybe one day you can be happy.

I'm not going to depend on outside sources for my happiness, not today.  I'm going to be happy with my life, enjoy yours, but maybe someday. I'm going to grow, cultivate my passion and love myself.

Sarah Loukos says: As a tarot reader for over 18 years, I see that most who have had love affairs or extramarital affairs have regretted it. They lost a lot, and what they gained wasn't sometimes worth it in the end. Single folks, please always think twice before getting involved with someone already in a relationship. If it is meant to be, the universe will let it happen without hurting people.

Danielle's note:  I believe that affairs often happen because there's other underlying problems in the relationship.  Sometimes people meet their soul mate while in a bad relationship.  Sometimes they meet them while in a healthy relationship, and choose not to be with their soul mate.  Sometimes two unmarried people meet and fall in love, but can't be together because one or the other isn't ready.  There's lots of reasons why two people can't be together.  Distance, work, different life paths.  Marriage is only one of these different paths that make it difficult to be with the one you love.  It doesn't mean the others aren't as valid, or as painful.

What's your story of star-crossed love?

Keeping the spark alive - Long terms relationships are hard

Jon and I cycling at Red Rocks
park in Las Vegas

My husband and I have been married for twenty years and together for twenty eight.  That's a long time.

Its hard to keep things fresh when eventually, everything has a low point like I mentioned here.

If you go out onto the internet, there are so many websites and articles that give tips and tricks on how to keep it fresh, to keep the spark alive, to rekindle the romance.

Date night for the Durys
before sushi and comedy

One of the most common threads is planning a date night. Date nights are awesome.   And I'm not talking about Date Night, the movie (although your date night could include Date Night, laughter is also awesome.)  They can consist of something as simple as cooking dinner together or going out to a movie.  No one is saying that they have to be at night, involve eating, or be expensive, extravagant or complicated.  In fact sometimes simple is better.

Jon and I like to trade off planning our date nights because we enjoy some different things.

Jon is a major cyclist and, while I enjoy cycling, I won't say that it's my thing.
I love to cook and, while Jon also likes to cook, its not his thing either.

Jon and his sip 'n' paint painting

Jon loves horror flicks and rom-coms.  I dig on adventure and dramedies.
Jon likes comfort foods and I like trying new places.
Jon enjoys bubble gum pop and I dig on classic rock.
We both like movies, concerts, comedy and going out to dinner.  We both like trying new things and doing things we know are fun.

4 wheeling fun

We each get an email from Groupon, Living Social and other deal sites every day.  Sometimes we see things that are interesting to us and we buy them.  Sometimes they're for restaurants, sometimes for things to do.

On Friday I bought us two tickets to see The Fab Four, a Beatles tribute band, for next month.  A while back I bought us cooking classes.  A few months ago, Jon bought us a Groupon for sushi and comedy and then a sip and paint Groupon even though he's best at drawing stick figures. That was fun.  And I chose to rent four-wheelers for our anniversary where we learned that I'm a much more aggressive driver than Jon.



I guess what I'm saying is that we all need to continue to date our partners.  Be open to doing new things and let go of control of your dates.  They don't always have to be dinner and a movie.  Branch out!

Motherhood: The ultimate relationship-with-self

    Motherhood changed me.

Danielle Rose as a brand new mother of two

That's kind of funny to say, isn't it?  I mean, doesn't it go without saying?  Where there was once one, now there are two… two bodies sharing a body, two schedules to navigate, and two egos competing for space (and despite what anyone says, babies' egos are huge!).

Then there came two… two children that is.  And no one tells you that having two kids isn't twice the work of having one—it's ten times the work.  Because with one blissful baby it's impossible to see how the intersection of bodies, schedules, and egos multiply exponentially.

Ultimately, what happened was that I lost myself in the wild tangle of everything childhood.  Motherhood became an all-encompassing title that didn't define me in the least.  It was something I was, something I was engrossed in, something that dictated for me what I did, how I felt, and when it all happened, but there was very little of "me" in it.  Or at least that's how it seemed.

I want to tell you that I loved every moment of it.  That I wouldn't give it up for anything. That now that my kids are (slightly) older (4 & 6 to be exact), it all makes sense.  But I would be lying.  That's not to say I don't love my kids.  Because I do, and I wouldn't give them up for the world. But sometimes I wish there was a way to have them, and all the good memories, without having a good 3/4 of the past six years as well.

I thought you were talking about relationship-with-self, you ask.

Well, I am. For the past half decade I've found it nearly impossible to evaluate my relationship with myself—even though I invested more brain and heart power into trying to figure that out than I had in the thirty years prior. 

It's given me quite a perspective on the importance of making myself the most important person in my life.  I've written quite a bit on this.  I had always been adventurous, and always sought out activity. When I was a mother of one, I brought my oldest with me on these adventures.  She was small enough not to complain, and easy-going enough to let us lead the way.  She was the most important thing in my life, and I knew that if I wanted her to live and lead an adventurous life, I had to show her how to do that.  (Read more about this and our adventures together here).

Then I had my youngest and, for the reasons listed at the start of this post, my options for adventure became severely limited.  My girls were both the most important thing in my life, but rather than trying to teach them how to live an independent, self-sufficient, and adventurous, I plummeted into survival mode.  Everything I had went to them, and there wasn't much time for sleep, proper meals, or even regular showers. I still can't go into the bathroom without a "life-threatening" disruption ("She hit me and I'm bleeding!" "I spilled a pitcher of lemonade on your computer!" "The kitchen is on fire!"). 

I had a life-changing opportunity to travel to France and take a class with an artist whose beliefs and work had changed me many times over. This was not an opportunity to be missed… Still, I almost threw away the pamphlet for the class when I received it.  I struggled with the decision to go for many months until I had no choice but to either go or let the fantasy go.  Despite much criticism from family and others, I left my 1 year old and 3 year old with their father and stepped into the airport to the image (it's still burned in my mind) of my oldest crying from the back window of the car as they pulled away.  (Read more about how I was finally able to make that decision here).

Walking the heath in Dublin on a layover after my class in France in 2012

The trip truly did change my life.

And it made me realize….
How can I ever take care of my girls if I'm not taking care of myself?

A few years passed before I was able to implement the energetic "work" that changed me while in France.  Without that "work" I doubt that Mind Key would be what it is today, or even exist at all.  Without that work I would be a shell of a person… but today I am a richer, deeper woman because I was able to face adversity and fear, and my own self-doubt, to do something I knew I was meant to do.

Somewhere in there was a list.  I called it "The Rules."  They were written to remind me of what was important.  The girls were at the top of it … then I realized I needed to be at the top.  Why?  Because if I'm not eating well, sleeping well, If I'm not healthy, and deeply fulfilled… then how can I possibly have anything at my disposal to give them?

I am still on that path, today.  It will never end.  The choices are only getting tougher, and the consequences more intense.

Me walking the cliffs in Newport, RI, after another game-changing life decision in 2015

But if I can recall (and sometimes I actually can) the feeling I had in France—the changes it wrought in me, and how I had to overcome the fear, self-doubt, and criticism…. Then.  THEN I know I am doing ok.

I know I have to follow my gut.  I know that I have to take care of me first.  Because until I do, I'll never be able to take care of my girls.  I'll never be able to give them what they need to grow into strong women.  I'll never be the "good mom" I want to be—the one that thinks she needs to sacrifice in order to give to her children, but is finally learning to sacrifice for herself first.

Love yourself to love others - Barbara Steingas

        

    I used to think that if I took time to care for my needs, that I was being selfish.  So I would give of myself to a fault to others. I people pleased in lieu of listening to what I needed or wanted. As a result, this depleted my energy and contributed to me developing an autoimmune disease.

            Women, especially in our society, are looked at as the caretakers, causing many wives and mothers to use all their energy, focus and resources fulfilling the needs of their family and neglect to properly take care of themselves.

            This can cause underlying resentment and family dysfunction. I found this to be true for myself.  I would take that resentment and internalize it, beating myself up and causing further stress and dis-ease to myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I began to put the pieces of my health back together, I slowly learned how to unravel this self-sabotaging behavior by attending courses and reading self-improvement books.

            Along the way I discovered that I deserved to take care of myself and that it’s okay to sometimes say “no” rather than self-sacrifice just to people please. Now that I’ve learned to listen to my own needs, I find I am even better at helping people both professionally and personally. I can be more present in the moment by responding rather than reacting out of past issues or fear of future ones. However, during times of stress, I can get into reactionary mode which causes discourse for myself and others I am interacting with, but I catch myself more often and have learned not to beat myself up for it. Instead, I realize I can shift the way I am feeling and expressing myself to a more loving way. We are all human and can’t always be perfect, but the more we stay in a loving space with ourselves the more love we can bestow on others. In turn, this decreases the criticism and judgement we feel for ourselves and deflect onto others.

            When you feel mad, sad, etc. take a moment to reflect and ask yourself what’s causing you to feel this way. By doing this you can better discern what need is not being met and then you can rectify the situation by empowering yourself rather than blaming someone else for not meeting your needs. Remember that by loving yourself and taking care of what you need you will be much more at peace and happy. And if you’re happy, everyone else around you can happier too.

Getting back on the "Wheelbarrow"

so much depends 

upon 

a red wheel 

barrow 

glazed with rain 

water 

beside the white 

chickens

- William Carlos Williams 

 As a part-time professor of English, I teach this poem every semester. Keep in mind many of my students have not been in a classroom for a number of years. The wide-eyed looks of bafflement never cease to put a big smile on my face. Never mind that every time I teach this poem it’s around 7 pm on a weeknight. I am fried, and so are they. Still, this poem tends to spark a much welcomed blaze of conversation. 

 I have to make it clear in the beginning of the lesson that this is, in fact, the ENTIRE poem. Much of William’s work is obscure but widely read and taught. “The Red Wheelbarrow” has become one of his signature pieces. The poem is a lightbulb-over-the-head inducing spell once the students learn that Williams was a practicing physician who became inspired to write this weird little poem while gazing out the window in a house of a dying child. 

William Carlos Williams

Suddenly, we are transported into ponderous discussions dealing with dependency, spirituality, need, grief, healing, uselessness, and hope - diverse facets of life that must coincide in order to make us human. Not bad for a 16 word poem. Poet Wallace Stevens referred to Williams’ poems as “rubbings of reality”, and Williams indeed gives you little snippets of landscape and bits and pieces of the human experience. He leaves it to you to put the puzzle together- if you choose to take the time. 

I think what makes this poem go from baffling to enlightening is the blending of the human condition. In a short amount of time and space, you are reminded about simple necessities needed for stasis yet easily forgotten and rarely appreciated. There was this man, William Carlos Williams, who on a daily basis was slapped in the face by mortality.

Whether he knew it or not, he wrote this poem to call our attention to the balance we need to obtain in regarding our passions and obligations - two things that are rarely synonymous.

A Balance Wheel

We have all felt like the red wheelbarrow - settling into the Earth, taking in whatever falls down on us, and not always feeling appreciated or purposeful. We often fail to dry ourselves after the storm of everyday and take the time to pursue our passions. Everyone has a passion, talent, or purpose that reaches beyond work and family. The problem is many of us think we have all the time in the world to look, and we don’t. 

Sooner rather than later, those “white chickens”, which can easily be seen as something angelic or divine, are going to come take us away. “So much depends/upon” the acknowledgment and acceptance of every fragment of consciousness that makes us whole. That’s when we find balance, and that is when we are able to stay on that purposeful wagon for longer periods of time. So who says little poems like this don’t make sense?

Danielle's Note:
This week we will are delving into the "relationship with self," and what better way to understand and refine that relationship than by rediscover our passions, accept all fragments of our sub/consciousness, and to recognize that we are only whole when we are carrying in our own personal wheelbarrow only those things that bring us joy while at the same time fulfilling obligation.  Thank you for this, Tara!